Why I Love This Baby So Much

Before I was a mom, I wanted to be a nana. I loved my grandparents, but mostly, I loved my Grandma von Rajcs. She was Hungarian, and didn't speak English all that well, but she spoke it well enough for me to know that I was a huge part of her world. I remember her accent, and I remember her getting on the floor and pretending she was a horse so I could ride her. I remember her growing a vegetable garden in our backyard. I remember her smile and her laugh. And when she died, I remember hoping that I could be the nana to someone, someday, that she was to me.

When I had my kids, my mom was beyond thrilled, and became a wonderful, loving grandma to them. She showed me how to love a grandchild, just like my Grandma von Rajcs had showed me. I was so busy raising my kids, with the responsibility of it weighing only on my shoulders....but I couldn't wait to be a nana.

When my daughter was in high school, I saw a pair of baby shoes that I fell in love with. They ended up in her Easter basket that year. I couldn't wait to be a nana.

When Ashley & Cameron got married, my message to them on the video from their wedding was, "Now go make me a baby." I couldn't wait to be a nana.

The day Ashley told me she was pregnant, I started shopping. I started dreaming of what this baby would look like, what his/her voice would sound like, what he/she would name me. I couldn't wait to be a nana.

I really didn't want to know the sex of the baby. But once I found out he was a boy, and got to see pictures of him developing in my own baby's womb, I was so in love with the fact that he was a boy. I couldn't wait to meet him. I couldn't wait to be a nana.

The day Ashley was being induced, she and Cameron had to be at the hospital at 7am. She told me she'd call me once they got checked in. Instead, I was waiting for them when they walked in, so I could take pictures and document the whole experience. They thought I wanted to document it for them. I wanted to document it for me. You see, I couldn't wait to be a nana.

When I got to see that precious baby for the first time, the joy in my heart was overwhelming. He was HERE!!!! My grandson was real!!!! He was alive, he was beautiful, and he was MY GRANDSON!!!! My dream had finally come true........I was a nana!!!!

Three months later, my beautiful grandson was diagnosed with a deadly genetic disorder....Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 1. How can that be?????? He's perfect. I love him. I can't lose him. I can't watch my daughter lose her child. This isn't fair!!!!! It has to be a mistake!!!! There has to be something we can do. We don't want to give him back. I WANT TO BE HIS NANA!!!!

Over the last 8 months, I have experienced the hardest challenge of my life. And for those of you that know me well, you know what my challenges have been. They were nothing compared to this. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. I want to fix it. I can't. I want to help my daughter. I try. I don't always know how to handle it. I blow it sometimes. It's not just my daughter and Cameron going through this. It's me too. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want to watch my daughter and Cameron lose him. And hopefully we won't, because there is real hope out there. I JUST WANT TO BE HIS NANA.

Some things I've learned through this journey:

• You find out who your real friends are.
• A person's true character shows up.
• I'm not near as strong as I thought I was.

But the biggest thing I've learned, is how to love a little boy that has challenges bigger than me. I will be his grandma for the rest of my life. My dream has come true.

  I'M HIS NANA!!!!