Today is Easter. And we are all alone, in our own houses. And it SUCKS. So we're going to pretend it's not, and celebrate it later in the week!!!!
It's also my birthday weekend and I've been enjoying every minute of it. Except today. It started on Friday when Ashley & I packed a picnic, packed up baby boy, and headed for the lake at UNR. We also brought bread --- to feed the ducks, even though there were signs everywhere that said "DO NOT FEED THE DUCKS." That day, we felt that rule was meant for breaking and totally wasn't meant for us.
Since before Charleston was born, I've wanted to feed the ducks with him. That's all I wanted for my birthday this year. They've been on "lockdown" for almost 6 months, and we broke that rule on Friday for nana's birthday!!!! We had an absolute blast. Charleston loved it, staring and staring more at the ducks eating the bread that he and little mama threw to them. They even came up to his stroller on our way out so he got to see them close up!!!! I got pictures, but they're on my camera at Ashley's house, so I'll post them later this week. It was amazing to see Charleston study the ducks and make his sounds that told us he was having fun. But even more amazing and beautiful for me, was to see my daughter and the joy in her eyes. She didn't stop smiling; she laughed out loud; she was filled with happiness and was having a blast!!!! It's been a long, long, llllllllooooooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggggggg time since I've seen that, and it filled my heart. We didn't think we'd ever get to feed the ducks with him. We didn't think we'd get to have a picnic like that. And I certainly didn't think I'd get to celebrate this birthday with him. It was was simply amazing and we made a memory that I'll never ever ever forget.
Friday afternoon my son, BJ, drove up for the weekend!!!! We had a blast, but there was certainly something missing.......and that was Ashley. Friday we walked to my local wine bar and he **made** me drink two martinis (oh, so yummy). Then we came home and fixed dinner and visited. I never get to do that with him anymore, and it was wonderful. Just me and my boy. But not Ashley.
Saturday he studied, but then took me to Home Depot and bought me shelving and organizational stuff for my garage that he would only think about (since he's a guy & I'm not)........came home & he put it all up! I have a project ahead of me, but I sure appreciated him doing it. Ashley gave me a toolbox with pink tools!!!! Woohooooooooooooo I'm set. Then last night, he and I dropped dinner off to Ash & Cam, then went to dinner ourselves and had massages afterwards. Awesome.
But then this morning came, and he had to leave. Cry, cry, cry, after I closed the door behind him. Because here's the part that SUCKS. Because he's been around germs this past week, he brought them here. So now I can't be around the baby for several days for fear of bringing the germs to him. So now I'm alone for Easter and my birthday tomorrow, and Ashley and Cash are alone at their house for Easter because Cameron is working. But I wouldn't trade this weekend for anything, because I got to spend time with my boy who I love with all my heart. Really good time. Talks. Tears. Laughter. And it was good. But this is life with SMA.
I hate SMA. So Happy Easter to all of you out there that are celebrating. Me? I'm headed for the garage to put things on my new shelves!!!! And our Easter will be next week, and that's ok. Cuz I got to spend time with my boy, and that doesn't happen very often.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Dark Day....and then some giggles from my Charleston
Yesterday I had a dark day. I have those now and then. A day when I wake up with a heavy heart. A day when I cry over everything, but really, it's over my Charleston. A day when I grieve for the life that I thought my daughter would be living, but isn't. A day when I think of what I thought what being a grandma would be....but isn't. A day when I feel very, very alone, and very, very sad.
I looked at pictures of my Charleston on my computer and found the ones I took the day he was diagnosed with SMA. I looked at the pictures of the day he was born. And I wondered why. WHY??????
I spent the morning with my girlfriend Sandy, and she was able to make me smile & be giggly. That felt good. But inside I was crying.
We have been very worried about Charleston being bi-pap dependent. What does that mean? In the SMA world, it means the disease is progressing. It means he can't breath on his own without it. It means we won't get to look at his sweet face without a machine on it. It means it's another step closer to Ashley and Cameron having to make a choice to trache this precious baby boy. It means that my daughter is sad, and worried. Like she doesn't have enough to worry about already. It means I don't know what to say....because I've never been in this situation before. It just sucks.
But then two wonderful things happened. First of all, Ashley got through to Charleston's pulmonologist at Stanford (a feat in itself) and talked to her about it. The doctor asked a lot of questions about him...and then Ashley heard the wonderful news that our little baby is NOT bi-pap dependent!!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!! Charleston recently got a new piece of equipment, called a Trilogy, which is a fancy bi-pap. And he just likes it. It makes it easier for him to breathe, and makes suctioning much less frequent......so he's happy on it. And that's what we want, a happy baby boy. And what I want is a less-stressed out daughter, and that's what I have now. So when she told me the news, what did I do???? Jump for joy???? No, I cried. Man.
Then the second thing happened. I received a message from a young woman, who used to be a young girl (duh.....). The reason I say this, is that I haven't seen her since she was a young girl. She is the niece of a friend, and she grew up to be an attorney, with a husband and 4 small children, two of them being my Charleston's age. We re-connected over facebook (thank you Mark Zuckerburg!!!!). Unknown to me, she has been following Charleston's journey, and it has touched her. She recently read a book called "Monday Matters" and decided to take herself on a personal journey of making a difference to someone each Monday. And she decided to make a difference to us first. She could not have reached out to me on a better day. She wants to learn about SMA; she wants to help us get the word out and educate others; she just wants to help. Do you know what this meant to me yesterday? It meant that there are people out there that do care...that do want to help...that aren't afraid to get involved. She's not scared to meet my Charleston, like other people are. See, we have "close" friends and family that haven't even reached out. And that just plain hurts. But this young lady MADE A DIFFERENCE to my little family yesterday. She made us feel not so alone. Those not affected by SMA.....you have no idea what the loneliness feels like. To our SMA families....you get it. So thank you, Jennifer. Thank you for your message, thank you for the phone call......and sorry I cried!!!!! It was just my day to lose it.
And then, last night when I got into bed......so thankful that my day was over.....I got this video of my Charleston laughing. And I went to bed last night feeling good about my day. Someone made a difference by reaching out when I least expected it, and my Charleston's daddy made him laugh. And I'm okay now.
I looked at pictures of my Charleston on my computer and found the ones I took the day he was diagnosed with SMA. I looked at the pictures of the day he was born. And I wondered why. WHY??????
I spent the morning with my girlfriend Sandy, and she was able to make me smile & be giggly. That felt good. But inside I was crying.
So I was pretty pathetic, and couldn't pull myself out. When I got home, I let myself cry.....cuz sometimes, ya know, you just need to do that.
We have been very worried about Charleston being bi-pap dependent. What does that mean? In the SMA world, it means the disease is progressing. It means he can't breath on his own without it. It means we won't get to look at his sweet face without a machine on it. It means it's another step closer to Ashley and Cameron having to make a choice to trache this precious baby boy. It means that my daughter is sad, and worried. Like she doesn't have enough to worry about already. It means I don't know what to say....because I've never been in this situation before. It just sucks.
But then two wonderful things happened. First of all, Ashley got through to Charleston's pulmonologist at Stanford (a feat in itself) and talked to her about it. The doctor asked a lot of questions about him...and then Ashley heard the wonderful news that our little baby is NOT bi-pap dependent!!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!! Charleston recently got a new piece of equipment, called a Trilogy, which is a fancy bi-pap. And he just likes it. It makes it easier for him to breathe, and makes suctioning much less frequent......so he's happy on it. And that's what we want, a happy baby boy. And what I want is a less-stressed out daughter, and that's what I have now. So when she told me the news, what did I do???? Jump for joy???? No, I cried. Man.
Then the second thing happened. I received a message from a young woman, who used to be a young girl (duh.....). The reason I say this, is that I haven't seen her since she was a young girl. She is the niece of a friend, and she grew up to be an attorney, with a husband and 4 small children, two of them being my Charleston's age. We re-connected over facebook (thank you Mark Zuckerburg!!!!). Unknown to me, she has been following Charleston's journey, and it has touched her. She recently read a book called "Monday Matters" and decided to take herself on a personal journey of making a difference to someone each Monday. And she decided to make a difference to us first. She could not have reached out to me on a better day. She wants to learn about SMA; she wants to help us get the word out and educate others; she just wants to help. Do you know what this meant to me yesterday? It meant that there are people out there that do care...that do want to help...that aren't afraid to get involved. She's not scared to meet my Charleston, like other people are. See, we have "close" friends and family that haven't even reached out. And that just plain hurts. But this young lady MADE A DIFFERENCE to my little family yesterday. She made us feel not so alone. Those not affected by SMA.....you have no idea what the loneliness feels like. To our SMA families....you get it. So thank you, Jennifer. Thank you for your message, thank you for the phone call......and sorry I cried!!!!! It was just my day to lose it.
And then, last night when I got into bed......so thankful that my day was over.....I got this video of my Charleston laughing. And I went to bed last night feeling good about my day. Someone made a difference by reaching out when I least expected it, and my Charleston's daddy made him laugh. And I'm okay now.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Diagnosis Day Anniversary
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We did take him home, and we do love him. But there are LOADS of things we can do, and have done, and will do. First of all, we grieved. We threw up. We cried. We begged. We wondered WHY???? Why HIM???? Why us????? We closed ourselves off to most everyone. And we researched.
First, we found Families of Spinal Muscular Atrophy. They immediately sent us information on SMA and a big, giant goody box for Charleston, full of toys that he could play with and other things we could use for him. Then we found a community support group that has helped us save his life: SmaSpace. It is a site for parents, family members, caregivers and friends to communicate with each other. This site is where we found out that SMA does NOT have to be a death sentence!!!! It gave us hope. Another huge source of information and support has been Facebook. We've met so many other families with babies with SMA, and they have become dear friends of ours, since many of our "real friends" have disappeared. Through SMASpace and Facebook, we have met the Gaynor family, who have started a foundation in honor of their beautiful daughter Sophia, who also has SMA Type 1. Sophia's Cure does many wonderful things for our community, from giving us information in a way that we can understand it, to introducing us to the leading research & the doctor that's heading it (go Dr. Kaspar!!!!), and also fundraiser for not only the gene therapy program under Dr. Kaspar, but also for iPads for SMA kids!!!! They are an amazing family and we consider them members of ours now. Ashley has also made a new "best friend", Kristin Banjany, mama of SMA kiddo Nathan. Kristin, I cannot thank you enough for being there for my daughter through the thick and thin of SMA. You have made a difference in her journey.
This year has brought lots of tears and heartache, but also lots of smiles and joy. We laugh with this precious baby boy each and every day. His smile and his voice melt my heart. When he looks at me I feel like he can see my soul. He makes me a better person.
In the last year, we have discovered that there is a treatment right around the corner. It's gene therapy, and it will enable me to keep my grandson. It's thisclose to beginning the first clinical trial at the FDA, but of course, we need funding in order to get it there in time for our little boy. This is where you can help. Sophia's Cure has started a HUGE fundraiser, called "The 200 Commitments" The goal is to raise $1,000,000 to fund the first clinical trial. If you break it down to one $5,000 fundraising commitment for 200 people, it becomes attainable. So far, Ashley & I have a total of 5 people signed up (including both of us). You have a year to raise the money. You can do bake sales, car washes, spaghetti feeds, craft fairs, running/biking marathons, art shows, ANYTHING!!!! Be creative, but be persistent.
WE NEED HELP.
WE CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Flying Colors Bake Sale
What a wonderful event yesterday! Ashley's best friend, Cindy, held a Bake Sale Fundraiser to help in our fight against SMA at her family's business, Flying Colors Comics. We had SO MUCH FOOD!!!!! It was amazing. So many wonderful people donated home made goodies. And Cindy was brilliant. On the drive down, I was thinking MAYBE we would make $300 --- and Cindy said her goal was to make $500 - but we made $2,034.00!!!!!
Each penny is going to Sophia's Cure, which is a wonderful foundation set up by Vinny and Catherine Gaynor, who have a daughter, Sophia, with SMA just like our Charleston. They will donate it directly to Ohio State University/Dr. Brian Kaspar, who is leading the fight against SMA with Gene Therapy. We're so excited that the fundraiser was such a success.
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| Joe, Cindy and Ashton Field - the organizers of the event! |
I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart that was involved - Cindy, her parents, her little boy Ashton....thank you for loving us like you do and for organizing the event and making it possible!!!! To all my friends that showed up to help and with baked goods.......AND WITH MONEY!!!!!! I love you all. And to the wonderful Flying Colors customers and people that came by because they "heard" about it - every single penny added up to over $2,000.00!!!!! I have a happy heart. With people like this, SMA doesn't have a chance - we WILL win.
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| Debbie Black (my first ever friend), Dean Parrish (my mom's best friend), and Lisa Caldurulo (Debbie's daughter) |
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| Shauna Maffei and her son, Vincent |
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| Cash's Uncle Graham |
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| The Allen's - Carl, Jonathan (aka Little Dood), Ashley & Donna |
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| Wonderful family friends - Shane and Linda Moldovan. |
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| More Moldovans! Linda, Mandy, Warren & Daniel. |
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| One of the tables of goodies. |
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| Adam & Claire |
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| Charleston's godparents, Tiffany & Travis Vandevoir |
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| Greg White, a friend of Ashley & Cameron's from high school |
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| Mrs. White, Greg's mom |
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| Amanda Paustian, another friend from high school! |
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| Amazing Mickey Mouse cupcakes |
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| Mickey Mouse pants!!!! |
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| RJ Bisaha and his sweet girlfriend (he's another friend from high school) |
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| Libby Field keeping Ashton occupied - what a great grandma! |
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| Deena & Mike Zeidler |
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| Mickey Mouse cake!!!! |
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| Dan French, a guy that used to work with my son, BJ, who has become a member of our family! |
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| Grandpa "GiGi" Goeppert |
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| Guy & Karen Golightly (their daughter, Kam, is a friend of Ashley's from grammar school!) |
Monday, February 14, 2011
Will You Be My Valentine?????
Today was wonderful. Because I have my Charleston for Valentine's Day.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I miss her.
Today is a really, really, really hard day. I am so lonesome I can hardly breathe. I miss my daughter. I talk to her every day, usually several times. We text each other all day. I see her all the time. But I miss her.
She's not only my daughter. She's my best friend. And I miss her.
We used to do everything together. Movies. Lunch. The beach. Barnes & Noble. Baskin/Robbins. SHOPPING!!!! Facials. Mani/pedis. Walks. Vacations. I miss her.
We used to laugh all the time together....sometimes with each other, sometimes at each other. I miss her.
I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world......I never want to see life without him. But I sure miss her.
She's not only my daughter. She's my best friend. And I miss her.
We used to do everything together. Movies. Lunch. The beach. Barnes & Noble. Baskin/Robbins. SHOPPING!!!! Facials. Mani/pedis. Walks. Vacations. I miss her.
We used to laugh all the time together....sometimes with each other, sometimes at each other. I miss her.
I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world......I never want to see life without him. But I sure miss her.
Friday, January 21, 2011
SMA Gala Fundraiser
This week I was lucky enough to attend an amazing fundraiser for SMA. It was in Los Angeles, and was put on by the Prendiz family, who have an SMA angel, Hannah. It would have been Hannah's 2nd birthday.
First of all, I met the most amazing people!!!! There were about 7-8 SMA families there, including 3 kids. Each family had its own story......but really, our stories are the same. We "get" it. We know what it's like to hear those words "Your baby won't live to be 2." We know what it feels like to watch your baby stop breathing. We know what it is to love these kids. And some of them know what it's like to bury their baby. I never want to get there. Here is a picture of the SMA "family" that attended:
Which brings me to what I learned!!!! We have researched so much of what's out there for SMA --- and now believe that the biggest impact on our little Charleston will be from gene therapy. Not that any of the other things won't be a help also ---- but it looks to us like gene therapy will make the biggest difference.
There is a family, Vinny & Catherine Gaynor, who have a daughter with SMA, Sophia. They have started a foundation - Sophia's Cure, http://www.sophiascure.com and are raising money to help fund the gene therapy research done by Dr. Brian Kaspar in Ohio. Vinny & Dr. Kaspar were both at the fundraiser, and I had the pleasure of spending time with them and coming out of there with HOPE. Dr. Kaspar is an amazing man. He loves our babies. He is doing his utmost to save them. And we adore him for it. This is Dr. Kaspar & I at the fundraiser:
Our biggest hurdle is money. He is THISCLOSE to taking it to the FDA for the 1st clinical trial. He gets his funding from families like us. Fundraisers, donations, garage sales, bake sales, ebay sales, golf tournaments, donating a portion of sales, etc. And we are all helping in whatever way we can!
Ashley's best friend, Cindy Field, is organizing a bake sale just for this purpose. All proceeds will be going to Sophia's Cure, which will send them on to Dr. Kaspar's program. Here are the details:
"Hope for Charleston" SMA Research Fundraiser and Bake Sale
Time
Location Flying colors comics And Other Cool Stuff
More Info
First of all, I met the most amazing people!!!! There were about 7-8 SMA families there, including 3 kids. Each family had its own story......but really, our stories are the same. We "get" it. We know what it's like to hear those words "Your baby won't live to be 2." We know what it feels like to watch your baby stop breathing. We know what it is to love these kids. And some of them know what it's like to bury their baby. I never want to get there. Here is a picture of the SMA "family" that attended:
Which brings me to what I learned!!!! We have researched so much of what's out there for SMA --- and now believe that the biggest impact on our little Charleston will be from gene therapy. Not that any of the other things won't be a help also ---- but it looks to us like gene therapy will make the biggest difference.
There is a family, Vinny & Catherine Gaynor, who have a daughter with SMA, Sophia. They have started a foundation - Sophia's Cure, http://www.sophiascure.com and are raising money to help fund the gene therapy research done by Dr. Brian Kaspar in Ohio. Vinny & Dr. Kaspar were both at the fundraiser, and I had the pleasure of spending time with them and coming out of there with HOPE. Dr. Kaspar is an amazing man. He loves our babies. He is doing his utmost to save them. And we adore him for it. This is Dr. Kaspar & I at the fundraiser:
Our biggest hurdle is money. He is THISCLOSE to taking it to the FDA for the 1st clinical trial. He gets his funding from families like us. Fundraisers, donations, garage sales, bake sales, ebay sales, golf tournaments, donating a portion of sales, etc. And we are all helping in whatever way we can!
Ashley's best friend, Cindy Field, is organizing a bake sale just for this purpose. All proceeds will be going to Sophia's Cure, which will send them on to Dr. Kaspar's program. Here are the details:
"Hope for Charleston" SMA Research Fundraiser and Bake Sale
Time
Saturday, February 19 · 12:00pm - 5:00pm
Location Flying colors comics And Other Cool Stuff
2980 Treat Blvd
Concord, CA
More Info
WHAT: "Hope for Charleston" Bake sale (yummy treats, healthy options, and some comic book giveaways too!)
Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) is a motor neuron disease. It is the #1 genetic defect killer of children under the age of 2. Often parents are carriers of the disease but show no symptoms. Over time the disease can interfere with muscle control in any part of the body including those connected with breathing and swallowing. H...owever, there is STILL HOPE. A cure is right around the corner!
***all proceeds go directly to SMA Research***
WHEN: Saturday, February 19th, 12-5pm
WHERE: Flying Colors Comics and Other Cool Stuff, 2980 Treat Blvd., Concord, CA (Trader Joe's shopping center)
DETAILS: Concord natives and Carondelet and De La Salle graduates, Ashley and Cameron Goeppert had a baby boy, Charleston "Cash" Sage Goeppert on December 1st, 2009. Ashley, a registered nurse and Cameron, a volunteer firefighter in Verdi, Nevada, thought that they were having a healthy baby boy. Tragically, they were told at Cash's three month check up that he was"floppy" and tests proved that he had the genetic disease SMA. This devastating news has not stopped them from doing EVERYTHING they can to keep their baby boy. Ashley quit her job as a nurse and takes care of Cash 24 hours a day, doing numerous types of therapy with him. He is a happy, smart, funny, handsome and loving 13-month old. We want to find a cure to help save his precious life and every child afflicted with this horrible disease.
Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) is a motor neuron disease. It is the #1 genetic defect killer of children under the age of 2. Often parents are carriers of the disease but show no symptoms. Over time the disease can interfere with muscle control in any part of the body including those connected with breathing and swallowing. H...owever, there is STILL HOPE. A cure is right around the corner!
***all proceeds go directly to SMA Research***
WHEN: Saturday, February 19th, 12-5pm
WHERE: Flying Colors Comics and Other Cool Stuff, 2980 Treat Blvd., Concord, CA (Trader Joe's shopping center)
DETAILS: Concord natives and Carondelet and De La Salle graduates, Ashley and Cameron Goeppert had a baby boy, Charleston "Cash" Sage Goeppert on December 1st, 2009. Ashley, a registered nurse and Cameron, a volunteer firefighter in Verdi, Nevada, thought that they were having a healthy baby boy. Tragically, they were told at Cash's three month check up that he was"floppy" and tests proved that he had the genetic disease SMA. This devastating news has not stopped them from doing EVERYTHING they can to keep their baby boy. Ashley quit her job as a nurse and takes care of Cash 24 hours a day, doing numerous types of therapy with him. He is a happy, smart, funny, handsome and loving 13-month old. We want to find a cure to help save his precious life and every child afflicted with this horrible disease.
We hope you can attend if you're local!!!! And if you're ever looking for a wonderful foundation to donate to........................remember Sophia's Cure . They're a family, just like us, trying to save all of our babies. Charleston says thank you!!!!
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